Mystical Hazards of Love
by beatlesfan931
Summary: One of Yae's most important missions leads her to do something desperate. Meanwhile, her target is drifting away, none the wiser...Can things really work out for the kunoichi?
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: Before we begin, I must give credit where credit is due: This piece is based on several things. Its first major inspiration is an incomplete fic posted on fanfiction(dot)net that I had read long ago and found really intriguing. It involved a love triangle that interested me quite a bit. I really wanted to know how it ended, but the story was never completed (not the version I saw, anyway); in fact, it was removed from the story archive completely. I will now take it upon myself to complete the story (at least partially, if not completely), which brings me to the second recipient of my thanks, the wonderful and talented Sarahsuke. This was often a topic of conversation for us, and even led to some amusing RPs. So, thanks Sarah! Without your inspiration and guidance, this story would never have happened. Hopefully you don't end up regretting it...

Oh, and let's not forget that Goemon and all related characters are owned by Konami, not by me. Not that any problems about that will arise, but it's best to cover my butt anyway, methinks. The title is based on the newest album by the Decemberists. If you haven't heard it yet, GO BUY IT NOW! It's awesome, and even more tragic than this piece.

Now then. Let's begin this little experiment, initially a product of boredom when the Internet was nonfunctional here for several days. I present to you, the good and bad people of the Internet, the first chapter of this story, of which there will only be one more (posted shortly after this one, hopefully the same day). Please, please, PLEASE tell me what you think if you read this. I can't emphasize how important praise and criticism alike are to this and all my other projects.

---

Yae walked the lonely streets of Edo Town, her nervous, twitchy fingers intertwined behind her back. No matter how urgent the mental orders she tried to send to calm them down were, they would still continue to writhe about, a mere ten features of her shaking body that were currently rebelling against her mind. She decided to transfer them to her front, where they were commanded to smooth out her purple ninja uniform. This they did uneasily, as if scared, as if terrified of the breasts and stomach they patted and rubbed through her clothing.

Though usually calm and confident, tonight was a night that vied for the top spot in Yae's personal list of most anxious moments. She hadn't felt this nervous since first trying out for a position as an agent in the SSN, the secret organization made up of ninjas that aimed to keep the peace in Japan (a job Yae considered herself fortunate enough to call her own), or perhaps even earlier, when she realized that she would never again see her parents and wondered helplessly how she could possibly survive with only her older sister to look to for support.

Yae's eyes darted everywhere they could go, searching for any people that would make her mission even more difficult to complete. She breathed a sigh of relief as she took solace in the fact that she found none. At least there would be no unwanted distractions or staring eyes. Unfortunately for her, she knew that running into HIM would make her a complete wreck tonight. Never one to back out of a mission, however, she knew that finding him was not only necessary for its completion, but also an inevitability. Or so she hoped.

"Oy! Yae!" She recognized the voice calling out to her instantly, and stopped moving completely before lifting her head up so she could see the roof of one of the houses in front of her. His house, in fact. Though she could feel her insides churning, she couldn't help but let her lips form into a small smile. "_At last...Here goes nothing...No more thinking, it's time to act!_"

On the roof, a man with a red ninja garb and a yellow belt waved at the kunoichi on the ground. "Up here, Yae!" he called out once again. His blue hair, going in every direction but down, swayed lightly due to a combination of the gentle breeze and the excitement with which he waved.

Yae looked around as if unfamiliar with the area, though both she and the man addressing her knew quite well that she was more than adequately acquainted with it. She noticed an alley on the other side of the house where her target awaited her and nearly stumbled as she ran towards and into it. First bending down to give herself the boost necessary to make it to her destination, she jumped, kicking against the opposite wall and pushing herself in the direction of her goal. But rather than landing gracefully on the roof, she slammed against the edge with her chin. "Ah!" she yelped as she fell towards the ground, just barely managing to tell her unruly hands to grab the ledge in time. She squirmed and tried to get a foothold on the wall as she attempted to climb up to relatively solid ground.

"Whoa, hey, I've got you!" The man on the roof took hold of Yae's hand and pulled with all his strength, helping her move up to his level.

Yae, panting lightly but blushing so heavily she thought she must have looked more like a tomato than a woman (her now unruly green bangs adding to this image), turned her face away in shame. This should have been an extremely simple maneuver for her, and even after making the mistake of underestimating the angle at which she should have pushed off against the wall, she knew she should have been able to lift herself onto the roof without any help. It was a humiliating experience indeed, and adding to the humiliation was the fact that she could not bring herself to look into the eyes of the man who helped her as she said "Thanks, Goemon."

"No problem," he replied. "Now then, let me see your chin, it sounded like you hit it pretty hard..." He reached out towards her face, which was still turned away from him.

Yae resisted. She had been embarrassed enough, she couldn't risk him seeing any of the varying shades of red on her face, even if she did have the cloak of darkness to use to her advantage. "I-It's fine, Goemon," she said as she pushed his hand away with a notably halfhearted effort. "Really, I'll be okay..."

"Well, just let me see...Quit struggling, you're just being difficult!" Goemon finally managed to grab hold of Yae's chin and rubbed his thumb gently on her new wound. "Ah, you'll be fine."

The kunoichi shivered as the blush returned to her cheeks in full force. She turned away and mumbled, "I told you so."

"Heh, why are you shivering, Yae? My hands aren't that cold, are they?"

"N-No, it's just that...Um...Say, why do you like sitting on rooftops like this, anyway?" For the first time since arriving on the roof, Yae willingly looked at Goemon.

"Er..." Taken aback by the sudden change of topic, Goemon decided to drop the subject of Yae's chilliness and addressed her new query instead. "Well, I can see a lot more of the town this way. You know, so I can spot trouble quicker and stuff. Plus it's nice and peaceful up here, and I can get a better look at the stars. See?" Goemon pointed at some of the small white lights in the blackened sky.

"Yeah...They're pretty. I guess I haven't really taken the time to notice that recently..." Yae mumbled as she scooted a little closer to her friend. She could feel the edges of her lips twitching as they curved upward to form a smile.

"Well, you should. It'll help you relax. I mean, you don't exactly have the easiest job in the world, right?"

Yae stretched and yawned. She could feel her chest heaving and her heart pounding, and she could hear her voice starting to crack. "Mm-hm. It's tough work...Ah, h-hey what are you--?!"

Goemon's hands had somehow managed to arrive at Yae's shoulders, where they were rubbing and kneading gently. They stopped at her outburst, which had taken several seconds to occur. "Heh, sorry. I just thought I could help you relax a bit." He pulled his hands back, not the least bit decomposed.

"Aww, that's sweet of you. Well, if you insist..." Yae grinned wider as she moved even closer to Goemon and leaned back against him. "...I'll take you up on your offer."

Goemon nodded and resumed the massage, while Yae sighed happily and closed her eyes. Now that the few road bumps in the beginning had been overcome, things were now proceeding quite smoothly. She thought that nothing could ruin this moment, and that she would have achieved her ultimate goal before she knew it.

"Mmm, thanks so much, Goemon." Yae shifted a bit so as to position her sorest muscles under Goemon's hands. "Say, um...Goemon. I was looking for you tonight because I...well, because I really, really need to talk to you about something..."

"Oh yeah? What did you need to talk about, Yae?" Goemon moved his hands off of Yae's shoulders and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Mmph..." Yae moved her newly massaged shoulders as she tried to reposition them in the most comfortable position she could manage before taking a deep breath and letting it out with a sigh. "Well, you see, I...Uh, that is, well, I, um...Er, Goemon, I, I..." She gulped. Suddenly things weren't going so well for her.

And things became even worse as a third voice joined the duo. "Goemon! Hey, Goemon!" It was a female voice, soft as silk and sweet as honey, and it came from the ground just in front of Goemon's house.

"Eh? Hold on a second, Yae." Goemon moved to the edge of the roof and peered down. "Hey, Omitsu!" he said, more excitedly than Yae had seen him at any point that night.

Omitsu, the beautiful, unassuming waitress in the red kimono, backed up just enough to see the man she was looking for. "Hi, Goemon! Um, can you come down here? I need to talk to you about something, and it's really important..." Yae thought she heard a hushed squeak from Omitsu's general direction, but later assumed that it was simply a mouse.

The kunoichi's stomach churned even faster, so much so that she was beginning to feel queasy. She peeked over the edge of the roof as well, as one of her greatest fears was now realized: another person was present.

"Hmm? Who's that with you?" Omitsu squinted upwards and then smiled and waved emphatically. "Oh, good evening, Yae! It's nice to see you!"

"Y-Yeah, likewise...Heh heh..." Yae's chuckle trailed off as she groaned and looked away ashamedly. According to Goemon, he and Omitsu had been friends ever since childhood, and this would hopefully prevent her from getting in the way of the unusually agitated kunoichi completing her mission and fulfilling what she hoped was her destiny.

Goemon, however, all but forgot about Yae and jumped off the roof, landing flat on both feet next to a blushing Omitsu. "So, let's go inside, it's pretty cold out here. Yeah, that should work..."

He took a few steps towards his door before Omitsu put a hand on his shoulder. "W-Wait...Are you sure you're okay with just leaving Yae like that?"

"Huh? What are you--Oh, right." He moved back out towards the street and looked up at Yae. "Sorry Yae, I've gotta go. I'll talk to you later."

"Oh, um, it's fine. I'll just..." But before Yae could even finish her sentence, Goemon and Omitsu were already inside the house, where they could neither hear nor be heard anymore. Her eyes glazed over, her chest heaving, her temple grasped in her hands, all Yae could do was let out an indignant "Argh!" Everybody who knew Yae knew that she was most definitely an unpleasant person after experiencing failure.

---

Omitsu sat at the edge of Goemon's bed, rubbing her hands together in an outward expression of agitated thought. Goemon took a seat next to her and sent the smile he reserved exclusively for good friends her way. "So, what's on your mind?" he asked.

Omitsu took one look at Goemon's benevolent expression and sighed happily. She was one of only a special few that had ever seen this side of him, and she knew it and was extremely proud of it. But even with this inspiration, "You're the greatest, Goemon" was all she could bring herself to say, all she could think of at that moment to describe her feelings.

"Heh, well, duh," was all Goemon could say as an immediate response. "Was that all you wanted to talk about? That doesn't seem that important..."

"B-But it is! It really is!" Omitsu's face was growing progressively redder, but she never took her eyes off of her friend. Her words ran together feverishly, almost indistinctly. "I mean, you've done so much for Japan...and for me..."

"W-Well, yeah...I mean, you're a really good friend, and I always help out my friends..."

"Is that all, Goemon? I could've sworn you were doing more than just being chivalrous..." Omitsu reached out and lightly stroked his cheek. "Of course, your dedication to chivalry is something I find very, very attractive."

It was now Goemon's turn to blush. "H-Huh? What are you doing, Omitsu?" The "thump-thump" of his heartbeat quickly became a "thump-thump-thump-thump" as he stared into the large, glossy brown eyes of the waitress. He sniffed at the air. "...Omitsu, have you been drinking?"

The lovely lady simply covered her mouth with an oversized sleeve and giggled softly before batting her eyelashes flirtatiously at her hero. After a moment's silence, she gave an answer that could be more easily understood. "I'm drunk on love, Goemon. Oh, and a sip of sake, of course. Or two. Or five. But who's keeping track?"

Goemon, however, had not heard the last part. "L-Love?" Though he had often dreamed of this night becoming a reality, he was completely taken aback by this sudden revelation and thought he would collapse as the room and his head began spinning. Of course, in his favorite dreams, Yae had also confessed her undying love to him at the same time, and all three of them had engaged in a wild night of passionate lovemaking. But even so, this was definitely not an unfavorable turn of events for him.

"Mm-hm, that's right," Omitsu said, snapping Goemon back to the here and now. She leaned in close, her eyes only half-open and her lips slightly apart. "You've always been there for me, and I want to return the favor."

Goemon blinked. There was no doubt about it, Omitsu was most definitely drunk. He had known her long enough to know that her usual shy self was incapable of such openness. "Uh...Thanks? I mean, I'd love having you here with me."

Omitsu scooted a little closer and leaned in further. "You'll always be there to protect me, won't you? You'd stay by my side until the end of time and follow me to the ends of the earth, right?" She leaned in even closer, her head cocked slightly to the side so as to keep their noses from bumping and preventing further closeness.

"Oh yeah, you'd better believe it. Whatever you want, babe." Goemon grinned before closing the gap between their lips in what was undoubtedly one of his proudest moments.

"Mmm..." Omitsu backed away slowly only after letting him hold her with his lips for an extended moment. "Very nice. But I bet you could do better." She wrapped her arms around his neck and fell back on the bed, pulling him on top of her as they locked lips once more in a passionate show of powerful emotion. Goemon's greatest wish was finally coming true.


	2. Chapter 2

Day broke. After a long night of sighs and restlessness, Yae decided the best course of action was to visit a fortune teller. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, after all. Maybe her destiny was not actually what she thought it was.

Yae pushed the curtain at the entrance of the Plasma Fortune Teller's abode aside and stepped inside. It was empty, silent, and completely dark. "...Hello?" she called out.

Without warning of any kind, the room was filled with an earsplitting "PLASMAAAAA!" Yae winced as the lights went up and eerie music began playing. No matter how many times she had visited this particular brand of fortune teller, she had never quite gotten used to this greeting. "For a mere 15 ryo, I will gaze into your future and guide you on the right path," the voice, which belonged to a plump man in a purple mask, continued in a more reasonable tone. "What say you, young lady?"

After rubbing her ears to remove the ringing, Yae threw 15 ryo at the feet of the fortune teller. "There's a man. I've been harboring...feelings for him for a long time now, and I want to know if we're meant to be together, or if I should just give up and stop trying to get with him. And I'd appreciate it very much if you could give me my advice without any shouting, please."

"Oh, so it's love you seek, is it? Well, in that case..." The fortune teller pulled a red and purple rope hanging from the ceiling, causing the stage he stood on to metamorphose. Much of the old furniture rotated until it was underneath the floor and was replaced by heart-shaped lamps, tables, and other similar decorations. The lighting of the room became slightly dimmer and took on a soft red glow. He then announced "Welcome to...PLASMA'S LOVE SHACK! PLASMAAAAA!" at which Yae yelped and scowled. "For 25 ryo, I will solve all of your love-related problems."

"25 ryo? You don't mean in addition to the 15 I already gave you, do you?" Yae raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms.

"Did you? If you did, which I doubt, I'm afraid you gave 15 ryo to Plasma the Fortune Teller. As for myself, I am Plasma the Love Doctor." At this introduction, a sign reinforcing this new identity fell from the ceiling and bounced in midair until it floated contentedly about five feet above Plasma's head. "So, I'll take that 25 ryo and give you something that's bound to make this man fall in love with you, or else I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave. Even a lady as exquisitely beautiful as yourself won't get anything from me for free."

Yae rolled her eyes and sighed. "_Would this be right?_" she wondered. "_Can I play tricks with his heart to force him to fall in love with me?_"

"Come now, my dear. Time is money, do you want my help or not?" Plasma crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently.

Yae sighed once more and reached into her pocket, groping around for coins. "Fine. Here." She threw the 25 ryo at his feet, at which point one quickly swept the money away behind him.

"Excellent. Now, tell me more about this man." Plasma pulled a bottle out of a drawer and began squeezing lemons and grinding herbs over it, humming excitedly as he did so. Yae guessed that his excitement was due mostly to the increased profit he had just received.

"Er, all right...Well, he's strong, and kindhearted, though a little rough around the edges...But I know he cares deeply for people and will do anything for his friends. Oh, and he's certainly not bad-looking, either," she added with a giggle. "In fact...I think the first time I realized how much he really meant to me was when he helped me out of a jam...It seems so long ago now that I think about it, but it really meant a lot when he saved me from the clutches of those masked carpenters. And then I started to take notice of his undying chivalry, and his strong sense of justice, and his compassionate concern for his friends..." Yae sighed and smiled as she was hit with a wave of nostalgia.

"Uh-huh, sounds great..." the love doctor said as if what Yae was telling him couldn't possibly be any more boring. He added, in a slightly quieter tone, "Hmm, I wonder if I should top this off with cat tears, frog saliva, or cherry blossoms...Decisions, decisions...What was she saying again?" Before Yae could inquire as to just what kind of a concoction he was making, he shoved a tiny red vial with an identically colored stopper into her face. "There you go. Thanks for waiting. Get him to drink all of this and he'll fall head over heels in love with the first woman to talk to him. Just make sure it's you and everything will proceed just as you hope for the rest of your lives."

Yae scoffed as she looked down at and rolled the vial in her hand. "A love potion? Seriously? Are you sure I didn't just pay for something that's only going to make him sick?"

Plasma wagged a reproving finger at Yae. "Don't doubt the power of this potion, my dear. Have faith, it will work. This I promise."

Yae shrugged. "Well...I guess it's worth a try, at least..." She brought the vial up to eye level and examined the small amount of swirling white liquid within.

---

Goemon awoke to find himself alone. She wasn't in the bedroom. "Geez, it didn't seem like she was interested in just a one-night stand last night..." She wasn't in the kitchen. "Damn, I was hoping she'd be making me an omelet or something..." She wasn't in the bathroom. "Hmm, I wonder if she'd let me watch her in the shower...Wait, who the hell am I talking to? It's not like there's anybody here."

It was around that time that the fact that it was already 11 in the morning finally dawned on Goemon. "_Oh, right...She must be at work,_" he thought, bringing his habit of talking to himself under control at long last. "_Hey, maybe if she can't make me breakfast, she can make me lunch instead!_"

Being the regionally famous cook, waitress, and beauty that Omitsu was, it didn't take long for Goemon to arrive at the decision to eat at her teahouse, and hopefully have a chat with her about the previous night while he was there. After checking his pockets to make sure he had enough money to pay for lunch, he ran out the door and nearly into another friend. "Wah!...Oh, hey Yae."

"Wow, Goemon, you're sure in a hurry..." Yae said as she recovered from the shock of nearly being bowled over.

"Oh, heh, sorry...I'm probably a little overexcited for lunch, eh?"

"_Lunch? Say, that'll be the perfect opportunity to..._" With a small grin, Yae asked him where he was going and received "The teahouse where Omitsu works" as a response. At this answer, Yae froze. She still had no idea what Goemon and Omitsu had spoken about the previous night, but using similar logic she figured that it couldn't possibly get in the way of what she wanted. "Say, um...Would you mind if I went with you? I'm kind of hungry, myself."

"Not at all. Let's go!" And as he walked at Yae's side, he remained completely unaware that she was scheming about him in an uncharacteristically diabolical way.

---

"Are you enjoying your noodles, Goemon?" Yae smiled at her friend and target from across the table.

"Oh yeah, they're great. You know how much I love the food here." He picked up a huge clump of noodles with his chopsticks and stuffed them into his mouth. Even this sloppy display did not discourage or disgust Yae enough to abandon her mission.

Yae looked around for something, anything that could potentially distract Goemon long enough for her to carry out her plan. Finding nothing, she sighed and went back to eating her own food, a plate nearly overflowing with rice and fish.

A soft chuckle from behind caught Yae's attention. "Thanks for making my job easier, Yae. I was just about to ask him that." Omitsu smiled at both of them, though the one she gave Goemon was significantly longer in duration.

Goemon, also grinning from ear to ear, wasn't about to say anything, so Yae did instead. "So, what did you two talk about last night?"

"Hmm? How did you...Oh, right, you were there! I almost forgot..." Omitsu rubbed the back of her neck embarrassingly. "Well...it wasn't anything too important..."

"Yeah, you'll probably find out about it soon enough," Goemon added quickly. He was beginning to blush, which Yae found very suspicious, and rather unsettling. Maybe this really was a bad idea after all...Or maybe it was a sign of just how important it really was to act quickly.

"Anyway, I'll be back later to check on you two," Omitsu said with a quick wink in Goemon's direction.

As Omitsu went back to the kitchen, Yae sighed and noticed her hand was shaking, almost imperceptibly. Of course, the notion that a potion of this nature could actually work was ridiculous. Still, she had come this far...and she couldn't abandon her mission. Not now. Not until she had seen for herself whether it ended in success or failure.

She continued to look for a possible distraction, and finally found one. "Ah! Goemon, look out there!" Yae pointed at something just outside the entrance of the teahouse, and Goemon quickly turned to look. "There's a thief robbing an old lady!" The scene was exactly as Yae described it, as a woman was screaming and pointing at a fleeing man with a jangling pouch in his hand.

Goemon's instincts as the hero of Japan kicked in before he even had a chance to say anything. He ran outside, screaming curses at the thief and brandishing his favorite weapon, a golden-colored pipe. All the better for Yae, as it gave her time to pull out the vial and quickly pour its contents into Goemon's tea before running after him, without any suspicious delay.

---

Goemon was the first to return to the teahouse, having apprehended the criminal with little trouble. "Phew...All in a day's work for Japan's greatest hero...Huh? Where did Yae go? And why am I talking to myself again?" He picked up his cup and sipped some tea. "Mmm..." He gulped down the rest, tired from running so fast a few minutes previously.

"Oh, there you are," Omitsu said from behind him. "Would you like more tea, Goemon?"

It was at that moment that Yae reentered the teahouse. "Oh, Goemon, I figured you would be back here. I was wondering where--" What she saw right then caused her heart to rip in two. Goemon had Omitsu in a passionate embrace, while he kissed her with an equal amount of lust. Omitsu seemed surprised, even apprehensive, at first, but eventually ignored the stares she and Goemon were getting and reciprocated to nearly match his level of passion. Yae, meanwhile, no longer feeling hungry, simply stepped back outside, where she stopped for a moment before running off in the direction of her home.

---

Dejected and lonely, rejected and miserable, Yae made eye contact with and slowed down for no one as she went straight to her house. She could feel her throat becoming dry and her eyes becoming wet as she quickly opened the door and slammed it shut even faster behind her. Letting only a strained whimper escape her lips, she plopped down on the bed and buried her face in her hands. "_I can't believe this...I knew it, I knew I shouldn't have meddled with something like this!_" And as she muttered the phrase "I'm such an idiot" to herself, she realized that, perhaps, she was not meant to love or be loved. Maybe it would be better if she closed herself off from everybody else, neither giving nor accepting affection of any kind. After all, nobody really seemed to care about her, what she thought and what she felt. All she would get was leers and lecherous comments from passersby. Not from Goemon, though...Sure, he would show signs of lust on occasion. But overall, he would treat her with respect, something she had found difficult to obtain from most other people she had known. "How could I have been so wrong?" she wondered aloud.

Yae heaved a deeper and more saddened sigh than any she had made in recent memory. "_No...No more. I can never love again. I can't take this anymore..._" Nearly ripping her long green hair out, she paced her bedroom in a fury. Failure was never easy for her to accept, especially of this magnitude. She mentally berated herself, constantly passing blame for ruining her chance with the one person she knew who she could have even considered to be a potential mate.

There was a soft "Mew" as Yae's cat entered the bedroom and rubbed against her leg, begging to be picked up or at least petted. "Not now, Miyabi..." Yae mumbled angrily, already making good on her new philosophy. After lowering its head and tail, Miyabi slunk off to the corner and curled up in her bed, apparently taken aback by this sudden change in her mistress.

"Well...congratulations, Omitsu. You won, fair and square. And...I lost...I've failed..." And with that, Yae bowed out as gracefully as she could manage, with neither Goemon nor Omitsu aware of the lengths she had gone to fulfill her desires, or even that she had been competing for Goemon's love in the first place. With another heartbroken sigh, she curled up in her bed and closed her eyes. Perhaps working harder, focusing on other, more important things, could wipe this embarrassment from her memory. For now, though, she lacked the strength to do anything besides rest. And that she did, with a heavy mind and heart.

---

Author's Notes: "Oh, the hazards of love. You'll learn soon enough, the prettiest whistles won't wrestle the thistles undone." So, Yae's miserable...not a very happy ending, is it? Well, you can change that. I'm currently taking ideas for a direct sequel to this, and I'd love to hear what you think. Send your ideas my way via reviews, e-mail, whatever. There's also a poll on my DA page (my username there is the same as it is here), so I encourage any DA members to vote there. I look forward to hearing what you think! And if you don't say anything...well, Yae's just going to have to at least try and live the rest of her life as a hollow, emotionless shell, and I don't think anybody wants that. So be specific with your ideas and maybe they'll be included in a future story.

Other than that, I hope you enjoyed the story. Of course, I appreciate reviews that just talk about what you like and disliked, as well...


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